Destined to be alone

It's been longer than I thought since I updated this thing. I guess that goes to show just how boring my life is. Grrr..

But anyways...To Whom It May Concern:

I now work at Days Inn. It's not the best job in the world, but I must say that's it's not the worst either. Being the desk clerk is a lot harder than it looks....

I no longer live at home with my parentals. I live with my b/f in Franklin. Loving it...

My grandpa died Jan. 16th....

My mom is planning on moving out and getting a(nother) divorce from my step-dad. I dunno...you never can tell with them two.

I finally got up enough guts to get my navel pierced last Friday night. It didn't hurt...well, the first time she poked me it didn't, but when they had to come back and poke me twice more to get the jewelry in is when it hurt. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It's so cute. My friend got her tongue pierced, she said it hurt like hell, but you couldn't tell it by watching her. She seemed content, until she stood up and almost passed out. It was awesome.

But other than all that, my life is the some as always. Except I'm actually happy with the way things are going for me these days. Surprised? (Me too..)

Alrighty....later guys.

-Sara Joyce Roberts

New year....same old bullshit.

New job...new stress...new bullshit.

Life sucks.

Should I stay in Maine...or go back to Alabama? I would ask for people's opinions, but I don't really think anyone reads this...and those who do just don't give a shit either way...so I'll ponder it by myself. Of course me-being-me, I'll make the wrong decision and fuck my life up even worse. Damnit. Holy shit man, all I want is to be happy....but every time I do something that "I" believe will make me happy I end up fucking everything up, or making my life miserable but everyone else happy. Should I keep trying, or just give up? I reckon I'm destined to be miserable.

Well, me and Robert are done, for good. Too much bullshit came along with being with him. The distance, his bitching about everything I did "without him" (Which is fucked up cause it's not my fault he's not here to do it!), and the fact that I just can't deal with him anymore. Now his little corps-whore can deal with him. I miss him...so much...damnit. Why do I always fall for the assholes...damnit again.

Ok, I do believe I'm done venting for now. I might think of something else to bitch about before I retreat to bed. Until then...fuck you.

Me and Robert broke up. I'm crushed, but oh well...life does go on. Damnit... :(
Hope that makes someone smile.

Well, I'm currently in Maine...oh god, it is so beautiful here! (Really cold, but beautiful.) I'm having tuns of fun, even though the person I came here to visit has left due to a break-up. So now I'm here with her ex and his family....it really isn't that bad though. They're great people, but they talk so weird. I have to listen very carefully to understand what they're saying. Maybe it's because where I come from we pronounce our "r's". I love it though.

I miss Robert. I will be home 1 day before he gets home. Then we have to do the whole "marriage" thing, and November 22 we are moving to Maryland where he'll be stationed for god only knows how many years. It'll be great....I love the North in winter time. Yuck. At least I'll be with him....grr, I need help.

I must say farewell now for I am going to the ski resort for the annual Fall Festival thingy. This should be fun.

Fuck you and have a good day.

I had this long entry fo everyone, but I lost it when I pushed the "update journal" button and my computer froze. Such a piece of shit.

I'm gong to Maine next month to see my Brandi! I'm so excited! I'll only be able to stay for a month because Robert's coming home sometime in November. Speaking of which, I wonder when he finds out exactly what day he is coming home...I shall ask him tonight when he calls.

Hmmm, should I change my last name, or just do the "hyphen" thing? Sara Cucurillo versus Sara Roberts-Cucurillo....hmm, I'll decide later. We still have many things to plan first.

Tomorrow, I work. I can't complain too much, after all, I am getting paid for it. hehe And it's not a hard job...at all. But being on my feet 11 hours a day is getting the best of me. Makes me very sleepy.

Well, that's the end. Until next time, fuck you.

My feet hurt.

I got paid today. $362 for one week. Holy shit man. I can only imagine what my next one will be considering I'll have more than 5 hours of overtime. Gotta start saving up for the "big day". Plan now, pay later...such a great deal. Only a few more months...iiieee! I can't wait!

Gotta work 5-1 tomorrow. Such and early shift...but getting paid time and a half is so worth it.

I was planning on going to the County High game tonight, but I must get sleep. Tomorrow night me and my step-dad are going to play bingo. I'm excited. Hmmm, getting excitement out of bingo can't be good for my health. Yep, it's official, I suck.

Ok, now I'm gonna go swim for a bit before I have to go to bed. This getting up early shit really bites.

I miss Robert. :( <3

Started my second week of work. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I actually kinda enjoy it. The day seems to go by so much faster. But being on my feet from 7 a.m. to 6 p.m. every day is starting to take it's toll. My feet hurt, my back hurts, and my neck hurts...Well, until Brandi comes around anyways. Such a good friend. :) <3

Robert graduates A school November 5th. Yaaaayyy! I can't wait to see him! I miss him so much. :( It's horrible...but, we're beginning to plan for the "big day" now. I never realized how much time, thought, and money goes into one of these. Sheesh, I already have every paycheck spent before I get 'em. Oh well, it'll be worth it.

My social life is pretty well extinct. All I do is work all day, everyday, then come home, eat, rest, and sleep. It's pitiful. But the money if worth it completely. Besides, I'd rather work than hang out with people in Monroeville. Much more interesting.

I love Robert James Cucurillo.

Fuck everyone...and yes, I mean everyone. No exceptions.

Well, I convinced my sister and her boyfriend to come rescue me from this hell-hole town next week. I should be extatic, but after doing some thinking I don't know if I really want to go. I mean, I want out of this town more than anything...but if I move up there I won't have my car, I'll have to live with my "dad", and I'll have to have a job (which I don't mind at all, but I won't have a reliable way to get there). Grrr...decisions, decisions....

Only 13 more weeks and my beloved Robert will be home again. It may only be for two weeks, but it's better than nothing. We have a LOT of planning to do in those two weeks. Many things must be done...soon.

 

 

It's too bad I have absolutely nothing interesting or the slightest bit nice to say about anything or anyone.

People piss me off. Especially the ones I called "friends". They turn their back, stab you in yours, and for some reason unknown to me, call you and expect you to meet they're every need right then and there. It's disgusting. I'm always there for my friends...UNTIL they do what I explained a few lines up. People can be such assholes.

I need a life that doesn't involve driving 2 hours to have fun. I love my friends in Mobile and P-cola, but this driving back and forth each week is getting a little tiring. Grrrr, this state sucks.

I miss Robert.

I decided not to go into the Navy, I'll be attending Alabama Southern instead. Wise decision.

I miss Robert.

Grrr, I suck.

Well, at 3:00 a.m. tomorrow morning I will be on my way back to Indiana. I don't know when/if I will return to this hell-hole people call Monroe County. So..I leave you with some nifty information:

LAST PERSON WHO...
x. Slept in your bed: Me
x. Saw you cry: Robert
x. Made you cry: Robert
x. Spent the night with: Robert
x. You shared a drink with: Jill, I do believe.
x. You went to the movies with: Terri, Robin, Haley, Jessica, Terri's lil sis Hannah, Terri's aunt, and some other little girl.
x. Yelled at you: My mom, of course.
x. Sent you an email: Chris

HAVE YOU EVER...
x. Said "I Love You" and meant it: Yep
x. Gotten in a fight with your pet: Don't think so...
x. Been to New York: No, and I don't want to...
x. California: Nope..maybe one day though.
x. Hawaii: Nope..hopefully one day.
x. Mexico: Hell no!
x. China: Again...Hell no!
x. Canada: Yep, when I was little.
x. Danced naked: Yep..a few times.
x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: All the time.
x. Wish you were the opposite sex: For one week every month, yes.
x. Had an imaginary friend: When I was little...I don't remember her name though...

RANDOM
x. Red or blue: Blue
x. Spring or Fall: Spring
x. Are you bored: Constantly
x. Last noise you heard: Fish tank...
x. Last time you went out of the state: My birthday...
x. Things you like in a girl/gurl: No comment...
x. Do you have a crush on someone: My boyfriend...
x. What book are you reading now: Return to Harmony
x. Worst feeling in the world: Too many....
x. What is the first thing you think when you wake up n the morning: Robert
x. How many rings before you answer: Usually 2, so I can check the caller i.d.
x. Future daughter's name: Hmmm, don't know...
x. Future son's name: Joshua Steven
x. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: Yes, the teddy bear Robert gave me
x. If you could have any job you wanted,what would it be: Stripper...HA!, Not really...Forensic Scientist
x. Are you a lefty, righty or ambidextrous: Righty
x. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys: Not at all.
x. What's under your bed: Dustbunnies
x. Favorite sport to watch: Hockey
x. Current Age: 18
x. Siblings: Two sisters...only know one of 'em.
x. Location: Monroeville, AL
x. College plans: None...NAVY!
x. Piercings: Ears...haha
x. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Robert James Cucurillo

EXTRA STUFF
x. Do you do drugs: Nope
x. Do you drink: Yep
x. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use: Pantene Pro V
x. What are you most scared of: Spiders
x. What clothes do you sleep in: Tee-shirt
x. Who is the last person who called you: Chad
x. Who do you really hate: My dad
x. Favorite number: 3
x. What type of automobile do you drive: 1999 Honda Civic
x. Are you timely or always late: Depends on where I'm going and how I feel
x. Do you have a job: Nope
x. Do you like being around people: Certain people, yes.
x. Are you for world peace: Peace? HA!
x. Are you a health freak: Nope!
x. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: Nope
x. Have you ever cried over something/someone of the opposite sex did: Yep
x. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: Yeah..I guess.
x. Want someone you don't have right now: Nope.
x. Are you lonely right now: Only because Robert's not here...
x. Ever afraid you'll never get married: NOPE
x. Do you want to get married: YEP
x. Do you want kids: Yeah, 2- a boy and a girl

FAVORITE
x. Room in house: in a house: Living room in my house: My room
x. Type(s) of music: Anything
x. Memory: Hmmm...don't know...
x Day of the week: Saturday
x. Color: Blue
x. Perfume or cologne: Curve
x. Month: April

IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...
x. Cried: Yes
x. Bought something: Yep
x. Gotten sick: Nope
x. Sang: Oh yeah!
x. Said "I Love You": Yes
x. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: Yes
x. Met someone new: Yes
x. Missed someone: OH YEAH!
x. Hugged someone: Yes
x. Kissed someone: Just my mommy...if that counts....
x. Fought with your parents: Well, DUH!
x. Dreamt about someone you can't be with: Yeah
x. Had a lot of sleep: Never

Damn...Robert's been gone for 15 days already. It feels like forever. I miss my hunny so much. :( Two weeks down, about 7 more to go....AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Only 3 more days of school. And the best part is that they're not even full days. Just finals in 4 classes Monday, the yearbook autograph party from 10-12 Tuesday, and then a final in 1 class Wednesday. After that...no more highschool. EVER!

Robert leaves for basic training Wednesday. *tear* 7 and a half weeks without lovin'. I'll be ok. Gotta spend as much time together as possible until then. <3

Gotta go to Selma soon for DCHS graduation. Gonna watch the people I grew up with graduate. I can't wait. Too bad I couldn't have stayed there and been with them. Everyone here is so sad about graduating and leaving everyone....not me. I mean, shit, I don't know anybody well enough to miss them. They spent their whole lives together...and only one year with me. Plus, I don't even know half the senior class. I'm not the least bit sad....I'm tickled shitless!

Once again my dear mother has decided that she no longer wants to live in Monroeville. I'm not at all upset about her decision...I knew it was coming. I just don't understand why she thinks living in Selma will be any better, and I probably never will. She has some serious mental issues. This will be the 5th time my mom and step-dad have separated. She's leaving him, again, BUT she had the nerve to ask him to move to Selma with us. What the hell is up with that?! She's never gonna be happy. I used to hate to see her miserable, but now I realize that's how she'll always be. If she can't make herself happy, nobody can. But yeah, I'm staying here with my step-dad until I graduate. Then I guess I'll have to move in with my disturbed mother until November. Being in this house doesn't feel like home anymore. There's no pictures on the walls or anything. I hate this feeling...
Maybe going back to Selma won't be too bad.

On a lighter note...prom is this coming Saturday night. I'm not at all thrilled about the idea, but I guess I'll live through it. I should inform Robert that he needs to get his tux a.s.a.p. I will do that....later.

I'm gonna go to McDonalds and get the number 11 with no onions and a Dr. Pepper to drink. Yummm....

Yesterday was my 18th birthday. It was a pretty damn good day too...today hasn't been that bad either.

Recap:
9:00 a.m. - Woke up
9:30 a.m. - Received a carton of cigarettes and a parakeet from my mother
10:00 a.m. - Drove to Pensacola to pick up Tom
3:45 p.m. - Arrived home from Pensacola to a "surprise" party; ate cake and ice cream
4:30 p.m. - Did the whole "meal-time" thing backwards and went to China Star; me, Tom, Terri, and Tyler
5:30 p.m. - Got home...opened gifts and cards...went shopping
7:30 p.m. - Said "Bye" to everyone; drove back to Pensacola; stayed the night with Tom; got wasted
2:45 a.m. - Went to sleep.
10:00 a.m. - Woke up; showered and all that good stuff; went shopping with Tom

Yeah, it was a pretty good birthday compared to the last 17. I had fun...that's all that matters. I got a lot of new clothes and stuff, and didn't have to spend a dime of my money. ::grins::

Now the fun is over and it's back to the normal boring life I live. ::sigh:: Oh well.

Cowers in corner,
hands over head.
Crawls though filth
to piss stained bed.
Tear stained face
matted hair
Listens intently for
foot on stair.
Silence is comfort,
solitude safe
painless alone,
unloved waif.
Waiting, hating,
mothers return
shouting, hitting
cigarette burn.
Terrified, listening,
for key in door,
Ha! last laugh,
no pain ... no more
final escape
from pain and sin
as alcohol and pills
kick in

I haven't found my Mr. Right...just Mr. Rude, Mr. Thinks He Looks Better Than Me, and Mr. Gives a New Meaning to P-I-G.

..............................................................

Well, I have a date for prom. Now all I have to do is inform the school of the change...lie about his age...and I'll be good to go. Hopefully. Gotta get my dress altered...it fit when I bought it...now it's too big. Strange, but true.

I want some chicken.

Me and my FBLA partner finished our projects for state competition today. The newsletter, and flyer turned out great...but then we had to make tickets. They were really good considering we created them in less than 15 minutes, it's just that we had to have 8 on the page...and we could only get 6. Oh well...maybe it'll be good enough.

Gonna take a college day Friday. Going down to Faulkner for a tour...it's not like I'm gonna go there, but it's a free day from school. And a free concert...

Procrastination is not always a good thing...I need to work on my paper for English that was due today and is worth half my grade...but I don't feel like it. I'm lazy.

I'm gonna go get some chicken.

Well kids...I no longer have a boyfriend/prom date. I would, but he decided to go off to Gulf Shores and sleep with someone else. I knew he was going with his brothers, but he failed to mention the part about all the girls that were staying there too. Nifty. At least he had the balls to call me and tell me before someone else did...but he screwed that up when he pulled some bullshit lies out of his ass trying to make it "all better". Hmmm, first...he was drunk, then...it was either him or his brother that would have slept with her, and he just couldn't let his brother do that because his g/f was there..so, him being the considerate brother (yet worthless boyfriend) that he is, he took the fall. I guess he thought that would make it alright...how stupid. I give up. No more guys for a LONG time. No more relationships. No more pain. No more lies. No more broken promises. No more. No matter what I do, or how hard I try, I always end up getting hurt. No more.....

Now to find a prom date........eerrrr, this should be fun.

Margaret went back home to Indiana yesterday. Now I feel all sad and lonely. Oh well.

My birthday is next Saturday. Woohoo! Gonna go to Selma and spend it with all my peeps. Major kick-ass party. Yep. It will be great.

Prom is gonna suck. Don't really wanna go. Gotta suck it up and go anyway.

Can't wait to graduate. Gotta save money between now and then for my trip to Indiana. Might not come back. Who cares.

Need to call my boyfriend. Maybe later. Or not.

Gonna go up to Selma for the night.